At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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