Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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