why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My vagina is officially offended.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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