2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize