You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
