Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize