Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
