U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I need moral support for this bender
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize