Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
