Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
