I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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