I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize