my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We need to get me chipped asap
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
