How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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