dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
