my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
