i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize