dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
