His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
