I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
