can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Please don't give away my fajitas
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