This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My vagina just recognized that song.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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