So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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