Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
