the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
