Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
