i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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