final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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