I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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