never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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