some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
