Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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