she woke up with a sticky ear
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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