Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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