I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
