Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
