I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize