He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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