everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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