So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I don't deserve a penis
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
