We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize