Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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