i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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