I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
