If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize