Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize