Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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