there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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