He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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