Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
