3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
