I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
