My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
