I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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