the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
and i looked up. we had an audience...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
