franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
