you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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