life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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