I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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