I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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