it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
