Jerry, you need to find god
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
