I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize