I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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