I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
