Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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