Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
