question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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