Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
