You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
