You can't special order awesome
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Be still, my beating vagina.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
