its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
