Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
