I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
