If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My pussy is not your playground.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
