Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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