the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
