The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
