2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
